guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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