Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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