Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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