6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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