Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
