My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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