I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
