if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
