Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
