She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
