mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
