You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
