not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
