Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
