I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
