i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
