I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize