I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
