I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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