I cockslap morals
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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