if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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