I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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