I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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