dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
