she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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