I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
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