Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
