Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
