At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
