There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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