I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
