You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
