I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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