Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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