I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My legs feel like baby dolphins
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
