Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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