I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
