Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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