I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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