oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
