end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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