She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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