Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
