Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize