Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
