Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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