I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize