I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
