I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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