I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
