I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
