Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
