I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
