Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
