Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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